Within the safe and wonderfully non-judgemental confines of this page, I duly wish to share with you an ongoing and concerningly malevolent default switch in my brain, which shows no respite. I should probably point out now that there are no aggressively underlying intentions surrounding this chronic trait which should have you alarming the authorities, however, that being said, I suggest that whenever you strike the urge to approach me, you do so with strict caution.
A few weeks ago, something happened. That’s all I’m saying. In response to this positive event, I followed in the footsteps of the French by giving away something rare and sentimental in my life by virtue of a present, to a person or people with whom I chose to share my good fortune. I have only chosen to do this a handful of times in my life and the implications are remarkable. This is not a simple ‘share the wealth’ scenario or ‘complementary’ acknowledgement. A goodwill gift is based on a very deep respect for the recipient. It is strictly based on sentimentality, not price. It is given with ‘intent’, to enrich the lives of that person or those people. In essence, you are giving away unwritten or unspoken prosperity.
Now, I need not remind you that there is something comfortably and sequentially reassuring about ‘giving’. Whether it is your time, effort, money, whatever…life is about giving. Put it this way…a rich and fulfilled life is about giving. So it was with an ironic profanity that I should choose two people of whom I have only recently formed a friendship, to be the recipients. Strangely enough, I believe the gift chooses the person. My reasoning for this belief stems from the fact that I had a cast of people, with historic ties, that should have headed the line. But I intently dislike the word ‘should’ and I live in the now and that is that. Although I am not inwardly or authoritatively familiar with these people in every way, nor them with me, there is a familiar aura which surrounds our relationship. It’s fun! And it’s now! It has to start somewhere!
The small gift in question was (surprisingly!) a bottle of Champagne. To bequeath an unexpected bottle of alcohol onto people always brings smiles………
“Wow! What’s this for?”
“Really?.....Oooookkkkaaaayyyy………thank you…..I guess.”
So that part went fine, but here’s where my malevolent gene kicks in. When I present the bottle I do it with sheer intent…….“May all your dreams come true!” Within seconds however, I take from my pocket, two smaller gifts for each of my friends. A slightly sinister smile creeps onto my face as I hand them what is known as a ‘Bee Pop’. For the uninitiated (of which I was until I found them that morning in a so-called health food shop), a Bee Pop is a small lollipop shaped confectionery, rather much like a Chuppa-Chup. A small tag is connected to the stem which simply reads……….‘Bee Pop …….contains bee pollen and wheat glucose…..MAY CAUSE ALLERGIC REACTION.’
Now I guess it was only going to be a matter of time before I would unwittingly expose my true colours to my newfound friends. Having masterfully disguised my ‘other side’ behind a soiree of charming personalities since the day I met them, the arguably magnetic nature of being confronted by a splendidly irrelevant and bewitching novelty, which may have you lying on the ground, covered in welts and gasping for air….is well….just too ludicrously appealing. I had to have one! In fact, I had to have two! And I gave them away with the same intent as I had with the Champagne. However, this time there was a kind of Jekyll/Hyde sentiment of sorts surrounding it……
“So, you will have to tell us when to drink the Champagne?”
“Well……the quicker, the better I suppose….”
“What about our Bee Pops?”
“Oh, straight away! Right this second! Mmmmwwwhahahahahahaha…….let me just get some popcorn……and the camera………….and the adrenaline syringe…..”
Let’s discuss. Somehow my brain sounds like it is a little divorced from reality…don’t you think? I do! These two people are the most amazing human beings and of whom I am abundantly fond. I wish for them every happiness…….forever. Paradoxically, I also wish for them to be clinging for dear life, in a state of allergic shock, on the side of a road with a Bee Pop protruding from their mouth. Could it be, do you think, in the same vein as watching stuntmen performing outrageously dangerous stunts and thinking to yourself……..
“I hope he makes it……or do I? Actually, what’s the point in watching it if there is absolutely no chance that this may……just may…….end in tears?”
Hhhhhmmmm! Let’s look at it from the other side…….from the side of the bees. I don’t know a lot about bees but I am acutely aware of their input into our universe. Bees are the essence of nature. They are the fine mesh of ecological harmony. I remember watching a Sixty Minutes programme recently and without rehashing its content, it made continued references that without bees…..we are all f***ed!! You see, a kingdom (or queendom, or whatever it’s called……I’m just making names up now) of bees is as divine and harmonious as the fabric of life itself. Bees have formed these mind-blowing colonies of themselves to keep nature from collapsing. Amazing stuff! This highly organised secret society of over-zealous buzzing revellers, was born and impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the universe with strict instructions from the original Queen bee…..WORLD DOMINATION AT ALL COST!!
Why do you think bees sting us? Because they’re trying to kill us, that’s why! They’re just not very good at it. Occasionally you hear of someone passing on as a result of a bee sting, but that’s not enough for the bees to be happy or successful in their plight (it still amuses me however, when humans act so adamantly surprised by nature’s miraculous ability in defending itself). So the bees recently had a world forum……ok…….and decided that the next phase of their world domination tour would take shape by the introduction of a highly sophisticated and venomously delightful lolly on a stick called….that’s right….a Bee Pop!
It unnerves me a little to acknowledge the fact that I understand their way of thinking. They’ve done their market research, these guys. They realise that doctors worldwide are diagnosing more and more people with food allergies and it is now hitting epidemic proportions (up 1000% from the 80’s), particularly in young people. This incessant need for overbearing parents to bubble-wrap their offspring so as to seclude them from any unwanted or unnecessary ‘environmental nasties’ is carving away a solid platform for the bees to infiltrate their Bee Pops into society…….but wait….there’s more! They are smart enough to realise that if they hit the health food market but also brilliantly convey a subtle health warning on the tags, mindless kids and translucent weirdos such as myself, will be helplessly drawn to Bee Pops like ducks to water. They know that if they do not display this warning and there is an ‘episode’, Bee Pops would be taken straight off the shelves. You can almost sense the closeness the bees have of securing their wishes. I can envisage them coming together in the coming months to forment (not ferment…not yet, anyway….and that’s another made up word…just so you know). I can see them now, gradually building an empire of Starbucks-styled Bee Pop cafes, luring the young and insane to the horror of onlookers observing this abhorrent behaviour……….
“Welcome to the Bee Pop café…please select from the following menu…original Bee Pop – lashings of allergy-ridden bee pollen and wheat glucose! Bee Pop Deluxe – a blend of fatalistic natural allergens and honey, topped with granules of poison ivy!”
“Hi….yes, I might order…..uuummm…..one Bee Pop Deluxe, a double shot histamine coffee and ….uuummmm……what are those things?”
“They’re our famous brownies….Bee-rownies….they can really mess you up…facial twitching, hives, wheezing…..you name it.”
“Yeah, great! Give me one of those, too.”
“That’ll be $9.60.”
“Oh, can you super-size me?”
“Sure! That’ll be $12.95.”
Although I have now become one of the bee’s greatest fans, I am just a little saddened to note that I have still yet to witness the dire effects of an adverse reaction to a Bee Pop. I have spoken to my friends since and I am again slightly saddened to find that they are still walking around the world unscathed. I have eaten so many……..well, let’s just say I went on a three day Bee Pop bender and not one adverse reaction. Not one! Not even a sneeze! I feel somewhat duped. Is it asking too much to walk into a health food shop, see someone eyeing off the Bee Pops, only to purchase one and open it and have an allergic reaction and die right there and then? Just one!
“Oh Wow, there’s Julia Gillard….look…over there in that health food shop! She’s eyeing off those new Bee Pop thingys….she looks kind of funny sucking on a lollipop……CLUMP!!!! Oh s***…that couldn’t be good!”
It’s not asking a lot in my book. It’s not as if my concerningly irrational default switch in my brain would ever create something really twisted….like say…a carbon tax! I feel sorry for the bees though, imagine how they are feeling. I’m sure things will turn around.
In saying that…all this Bee Pop talk is too enticing…..so I’ll just unwrap this here…there we go…mmmmmmmmm…..they are a rather delicate treat all the same…they taste like…ooohhh….is it hot in here suddenly or is it just me…I’m not feeling so good…what are those little pixie-looking things doing dancing on my skin……I can’t seem to breathe….quickly……somebody call an ambul……CLUMP!!!’